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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
8:55 am - /End.

New journal time, starting thins fresh with most of my life, so I might as well do it here too.

Too much drama in this journal, and i'm too lazy to go back and delete all the posts.

Pluuuus .. iPussy isn't all that atractive a journal name >> .. A funny joke, but not all that .. inticing.

Anyway, comment here if you want to be added to the new journal, I think it's going to go friends-only.

Oh, and, for those of you keeping track, Ryan wants to try and slowly make things better between us.

But we're not dateing yet, it seems.

But, I'm glad he finally wants my help .. And that HE is the one who said " lets make this work.. I want to be with you."

It ment a lot.

Anyway, more on what happened yesterday, in new journal.

Comment to be added..!

current mood: apathetic

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Friday, January 21st, 2005
6:39 am
Deleting journal.

Or I'll just stop posting in it.

Too many fucking problems that involve these damn journals.


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Thursday, January 20th, 2005
3:38 pm
Bab's Uvula Who?

-- Green Day

I've got a knack for fucking everything up
My temper flies and I get myself all wound up
My fuse is short and my blood pressure is high
I lose control and I get myself all wound up
Tension mounts and I fly off the wall
I self destruct and I get myself all wound up
Petulance and irritation sets in
I throw a tantrum and I get myself all wound up

I lose myself and I'm all wound up
Petulance and I'm all wound up
I lose control and I'm all wound up
I lose myself and I'm all wound up

Chip on my shoulder and a leech on my back
Stuck in a rut and I get myself all wound up
Killed my composure and it will never come back
Loss of control and I get myelf all wound up
Blown out of proportion again
My temper snaps and I get myself all wound up
Spontaneous combustion panic attack
I slipped a gear and I get myself all wound up

I lose myself and I'm all wound up
Petulance and I'm all wound up
I lose control and I'm all wound up
I lose myself and I'm all wound up

I've got a knack for freaking everything up
My temper flies and I get myself all wound up
My fuse is short and my blood pressure is high
I lose control and I get myself all wound up
Tension mounts and I fly off the wall
I self destruct and I get myself all wound up
Petulance and irritation sets in
I throw a tantrum and I get myself all wound up

I lose myself and I'm all wound up
Petulance and I'm all wound up
I lose control and I'm all wound up
I lose myself and I'm all wound up

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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
6:25 am - Well Look'eet that.

Okay, so I was talking to this kid I met on Myspace.com , Right? and he gives me his gamer tag, and I added him last night, and I woke up to a message from him going " I KNEW IT. I knew I saw you somewhere before, you were at that halo party with kennedy and your, now ex, Ryan. I remember you. Fuckin'small world after all, huh?"


I KNEW I SAW HIS PICTURE SOMEWHERE o_O So weird. Smaaaaall world.

Had a nasty, tear-enducing dream abotu Ryan :/

current mood: blah

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Monday, January 17th, 2005
7:37 pm - ZOMG.
Omg guess what :O!?

Okay oaky, like .. I got on xbox live, and Aaron's all, talkin' to me. 'cause i'm sad and cryin' n'stuff. And then he asked me if I got anything in hte mail.. and I was like .. No O.o .. And i kept asking why, and ti turns out he sent me roses this morning :O!

It was suppose to be one of those same day delivery things, But I havn't gotten them yet :(.

But I was all " OMG. Roses? Why!?" and he was all .. " .. 'cause you deserve them." and went on about how great a person I am, and that he's sad that I'm so upset, adn taht Ryan said and did what he did, and said I deserved some flowers to feel better, ect.

That and, you know, I've never gotten roses before o_o. Even Ryan never bought me any.

And I'm like, Omg :O!

So, that kinda makes me happy.

tha and i've been laughing almost the enite past hour straight, because he keeps donig an Arnold Schwartzineger impression as i chased him in circles around Foundation, sticking him XD

HDSFLKDSJFSK I can't resist laughing at Impressions X3

I don't know why. Especially Arnold ones, tehy make me laugh so damn bad.

Dad thoguht I was going to pee myself.

See? I don't need .. him</i> to have a good time.

Right.. ?

I can get through this. I can be strong.

I hope.

._. .. I feel worthless.

Why am I so hung up on Ryan ._. .. I'm still so.. so fucking pissed and upset abuot what he wrote, but for some FUCKED up reason I still care about him so much, but i'm still so mad .. .. I just . can't believe him.

ANYWAY. Hppay time. I have to be happy. I mean, Ryan never got me roses through our almost 2 year relationship, and I should be getting some tomorrow from a good friend, i should be happy!

Yes. Happy happy now. Rawr. ...

Oh, and, Still no call from Ryan. I'm not fucklin' surprised. At all x.o ..

current mood: calm

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2:40 pm - Give a little bit, Give a little bit of your love, to me ..
God I feel so aweful ..

Going to hang out with Chris and some other people tomorrow after school. Allisa might come too, I think.

my insides feel all binded .. knotted up, but empty.

I don't think i've ever hurt this bad before.

He's just so un believable.

I wish it was tomorrow. At least then i'd be preoccupied with people.

Feel so drained.

current mood: depressed

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10:45 am - Will teh real dirt bag, please stand up? Please Stand up?Please Stand up?
Well Fuck you, Too, Ryan. Want to rip out any other part of my body along with my heart, too? When were you planing on telling me?

[ this is what it said]

... [17 Jan 2005|09:05am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | Yu Doimastie | Sweetest Poison ]

</b>It's funny that when your in another country for as long as 2 weeks, you begin to weigh the value of things that are home.

In a complete, honest truth, I do not miss much of anything. Two people in particular are eagerly awaiting my return home aside from my parents who are Steph and Amanda. Two people I really have no emotional attachment to but I enjoy to have around as friends although both pine for a deeper relation.

Every time I think of that, I really don't want to go back home. Amanda is scary sex starved and Steph is scary affection starved. Two very unattractive traits women can have that can scare a fellow away with great ease.

Being away from the parents is a delight as they aren't waking me up with slamming doors and raised voices of anger and amusement. The two yapping dogs aren't missed very much either though I doubt they remember me by now.

I could say the thing I miss the most is the warmth of affection of my male friends and a warm embrace now and again by a lady friend. Aside from this I miss my video games more so than the people. It has a certain hold on me for some reason which quite disturbs me now in the back of my mind.

I've been meaning to find someplace here in London where I can buy some Doc Martains. No luck but then I havn't been looking all too hard.

... I don't really want to go home. </b>


.. 'Nuff said.

Acutally, I have a whole thing typed up for him. but I won't e-mail it to him. I won't talk to him anymore. Doubt he was actually going to call me anyway. Since, you know, he suddenly doesn't care.

So Ryan. When were you going to tell me that you don't give a fuck about me?

I've never been this .. upset, this .. hurt and angry.

God.. I could just die.

Everyone keeps telling me he doesn't know how great he had it. Even his parents.

Sometimes I wish Greg had never set me up with him. I wasted so much time just to get trampled and heart-broken.

And Ryan doesn't even give a fuck about how bad he hurt me. And then he jsut kept leadiong me on, makeing me think there was a chance for us, telling me how pretty and beautiful I am, telling me he wants to take mroe pictures of me, saying he'll get me giftie from london, ect ect ....

Well at least I know what he ment by " Our relationship wasn't real" B.S .. It means,he used me. And he doesn't care.

Well Fuck-a-doddle-doo.

current mood: Depressed/pissed off

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Sunday, January 16th, 2005
4:17 pm - Zosky And Waffle.
So. Mom got me two Lizards this weekend to help me cheer up.

The smaller one is Zosky, and the bigger one is Waffles. Keee :B

Zosky is calm, and just chills on my cheast all day, Waffles on the other hand.. He's a bit spazzy. I need to work with him.

I lovers my liiizards.

Saw Jim On line ( fro vo last year) he gave me his and Rob's Number, so I might call them tomorrow to see if Jim, His girlfriend and Rob want to hang out sometime next weekend possibly? Duno.

I realize that I have to get more friends, or at least, hang out with the ones I know.

I have to take Simba ( my sister's cat) home this week, because it turns out my mom is so allergic to him that it's straining her lungs and causing heart murmers and such x.o

But my sister is mad in love with her cat. So I'll be keeping it at my house x.o

.. Uhg. His piss stinks. Thank god mom is getting his gonad cut off soon. then he'll be less agressive, and he won't spray my damn house.

I'll be cleaning my room tonight, and tomorrow probably.

Aaah. yeah.

It's been a pretty good day. We went and got my sister and brother ferrets. LoL.

The two guys at the pet shop were checking me out :O and flirting. but I was like " Yay ferrets! *kissies them*" but then the ferret went down my shirt, and was gnawing on my bra, so I had to turn away from the people, family included, to dig her our of my shirt xD;; ...

Lets see. What else.

Not much else to talk about, really.

Wanted to finish some art this weekend, but i've been pretty busy. I like it though.

I'll be on halo2 later tonight. <3. ..

current mood: busy

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Saturday, January 15th, 2005
10:55 pm - Crystal kitten tears. My art survives.
Dry Your Eyes

--The Streets

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin’ straight into the ground
Lookin’ to the left slightly, then lookin’ back down
World feels like it’s caved in – proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she’s lookin’ straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she’s lookin’ down at her feet

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

So then I move my hand up from down by my side
It's shakin’, my life is crashin’ before my eyes
Turn the palm of my hand up to face the skies
Touch the bottom of her chin and let out a sigh
‘Cause I can’t imagine my life without you and me
There’s things I can’t imagine doin’, things I can’t imagine seein’
It weren't supposed to be easy, surely
Please, please, I beg you please
She brings her hands up towards where my hands rested
She wraps her fingers round mine with the softness she’s blessed with
She peels away my fingers, looks at me and then gestures
By pushin’ my hand away to my chest, from hers

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

And I’m just standin’ there, I can’t say a word
‘Cause everythin’s just gone
I’ve got nothin’
Absolutely nothin’

Tryin’ to pull her close out of bare desperation
Put my arms around her tryin’ to change what she’s sayin’
Pull my head level with hers so she might engage in
Look into her eyes to make her listen again
I’m not gonna fuckin’, just fuckin’ leave it all now
‘Cause you said it'd be forever and that was your vow
And you’re gonna let our things simply crash and fall down
You’re well out of order now, this is well out of town
She pulls away, my arms are tightly clamped round her waist
Gently pushes me back and she looks at me straight
Turns around so she’s now got her back to my face
Takes one step forward, looks back, and then walks away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now
It’s over

I know in the past I’ve found it hard to say
Tellin’ you things, but not tellin’ straight
But the more I pull on your hand and say
The more you pull away

Dry your eyes mate
I know it’s hard to take but her mind has been made up
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you’ve got to walk away now.

current mood: cold

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Friday, January 14th, 2005
9:45 am - Hug.
Stuck With Me

--Green Day

I'm not part of your elite
I'm just alright
Class structure waving colors
Bleeding from my throat
Not subserviant to you I'm just alright
Down classed by the powers that be
Give me loss of hope

Cast out... Buried in a hole
Struck down... forcing me to fall
Destroyed... giving up the fight
Well,I know I'm not alright

What's my price and will you pay it if it's alright?
Take it from my dignity
waste it until it's dead
Throw me back into the gutter
'Cause it's alright
Find another pleasure freaker
Drag them down to heck

Cast out... Buried in a hole
Struck down... forcing me to fall
Destroyed... giving up the fight
Well,I know I'm not alright

Cast out... Buried in a hole
Struck down... forcing me to fall
Destroyed... giving up the fight
Well,I know I'm not alright

You're stuck with me.

Get over it. <3

Storming so bad right now.
Sky looks really angry.

I love it.

current mood: contemplative

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6:25 am - P.S
I need to make a custom background and such for my LJ.

I don't like the settings this B.S program gives you :(

I hate doing customes, though. so time consumeing..

Oh well it'll give me somthing to do at my mums.

Oh yeah, see that "Lonliest place in the world .." icon?

I made that aaaalll by me one-sy self, picture and all in a weird variation of photoshop at my mum's.

I like it.

And it's true, and how I feel :/.

current mood: annoyed

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6:01 am - Change.
Changed all my Icons again to fit my current moods. my whoping 3 icons e.e



Oh yeah


My aliens Picture.

Effing scanner ate the detail, so I had to mess with it to be able to see SOME of hte detail. Thus it looks like it's inked funny, rather then pencil.

Think how .. Like, when Riply had the qeen in her, adn the aliens wouldn't kill her, even after the queen was taken out?

Yeeah .. Don't judge me. I'll eat your face. Gr.

Yay Xenomorphs.

Lol, Jay(grim) and Aaron were donig Arnold Shwatzineger(sp?) impressions for like, almost an hour XD. It was so damn funny. No matter how bad a mood I'm in, impressions of Arnold make me laugh so bad. I can't help it i get Giggly :3

Inschool was okay. I slumped aaaaalll the way down in my seat ( I was sitting at a back table) so the back of my skull was resting on hte back of hte hard plastic and metal chair, and I had my arms propped up against the table infront of me, feet braced,stiff, knees locked, against the wall infront of me. And I slept. for like, 45 minutes ( the length of a period). When the bell rung, I woke up, startled of course, and.. The back and top of my head felt funny. The hell? It felt like I had no hair there. I grabbed at the back of my head. I could feel plenty of hair, neatly laying against my skull, but I couldn't feel myself touching my head.

My scalp was numb o_o And asleep.

It was so effing weird, but so cool. lol

Almost finished a picture I spent most of yesterday coloring.

Yet again, no call from Ryan. Going to my moms house this weekend. Hopefully i'll get my Lizard!~

If I'm lucky, I'll get a bearded Dragon, and I shall name him Ternaldo :O. After the Ternaldo of VGCats XD .. Grawr.


Slept too much.

Emotional Stuff here.Collapse )

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Thursday, January 13th, 2005
6:17 am - Looonely is.

D: That picture I made for ryan! it would be cute if I wasn't so uuuugly in it >.>


I think I look really nice in that picture, though.

But sad.

</3 No call from Ryan this morning. he said he was going to call me last night, but he never did. *shrug* ._. Got inschool today, Just going to drwa all day. Wee! all Ihave to do is sit in a room all day and draw, and it counts as a school day. Bwaha. I had a weird dream about Ryan last night. He hasn't repsonded to any e-mails I sent him, either :/. *tear* I miss him. I wonder if he misses me at all :| ..

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, January 12th, 2005
6:12 am
Ryan called me again this morning :3



Lately everyone ahs been saying how cute it is when I start going " JACKLE?Jackle!?IS IT A JACKLE!?Jakcel!" In team training when we're fucking with the other team. We're so mean :P

It's funyn though, because sometimes the other team will play along and we end up just talking about Family guy while team killing each other, and talkni with the other team.

Ish Neat :B

I miss Ryan.

Lisening to steven lynch, because he ish da man ;3

But as Ryan says, there can only be One " Man" , which is him ;P ( he's just jelous :B)

But, in the end, Rai is the Man :/. OR HE WOULD BE .. >>;


Our conversation was mad short today, because those girls came to his and Keith's room again. So, he had to go.

I guess he's haveing fun :/.

I'm pretty effing jelous of the girls he's been hanging out with, because they get his attention ;-;

But he says most of them are just stupid and anoying. So that helps me keep my hope up :3.

He said he's getting me somthing!! Omg i'm so excited :B -piddle.-

I never got a chance to ask him what day he's comeing back :/

I duno, i can't help but keep up hope. You never know what'll happen.

Maybe he'll see me, and see that, hey, you kno what? you're not a bad person, and I want to see you more.

Or.. Somthing.

I had a dream about him last night ._.; ..

He keeps thinking i'm sleeping around or osmthing, though :/.

I mean, i'm not a fuckin' Skank.

-- ooo. I asked him why he was going to get somthing for me, and he said " because you're beautiful..!" .. he hasn't called that since a week before he broke up with me.

*Glee* :3 .. mayhaps he misses the kitten after all?

current mood: blank

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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
6:05 pm - Oh fuck off.
As soon as I get my hope up that Ryan actually misses me, ect, I jsut read in his DJ, a post he made on hte 9th, taht he had called amanda :/ ..

This morning was the first time he had called me.

I feel like fucking shit.

fucking useless shit.

Today has been shit. Everyone fucknig hates me, and Ryan called Amanda before me :/

Wow, this completes my day.

Effing awesome.


Feeling unloved, but thats okay :D

At least he called me.

I'm still curious why he'd call her and not me.

But, whatever. I have to get over the fact that he doesn't lvoe me ^^; ...

Today has been crap.

I thinK Ryan might like Amanda.

Unless it's that pregnant girl.

But, Whatever.

It's okay.

I got nothing done today. I fnished a peice of art, and did the dishes.

Thats it. I'm fucknig useless.

I have feeling liek this.

I need ot be more optimistic.


.. I need a hug.

.. From Ryan. </3 I want to see him on the first day he gets back..! I'll surprise him or somthing..! Yes, thats it. I shall. And he'll be happy. I think. ... ._.

current mood: crushed

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9:43 am - JACKLE
Talked to Noel this morning on the way into school ( I got my bus off early because the smell of it was makeing me queezy.), and shew as talking to her other friend, and was bragging about how her and her Boyfriend have been dateing, for like, over 2 years.

She turned to me. Asked how long me and Ryan have been going out.

I opened my mouth .. And I sobbed.

I only told three people ( well, four now) that I know in school, what happened between me and Ryan.

She wasn't one of them.

It was the first time I've cried since thursday. .. :(

I don't even know why I started Crying. just, those words just .. triggered it. I don't even know why. I was so happy and bouncy this morning while I got ready for school, because I had talked to him on the phone.

Then.. Just. Bam.

I miss him so bad ._. I try to act like I don't. I try to hide my emotions from myself and act like I could get over it anytime I wanted.

Hah, what a lie. I can't. I can't get over him. I want him. I lvoe him :/

So, I told her waht happened. She told me I was being a pussy. And to toughen up.

I yelled at her. She apologized, said she didnt' realize how much I still love him.

I don't want to talk to her anymore.

I was happy and bouncy during first nad second period, Saw Andrew on my way to third, we stopped in hte Gym to talk for like, 5 minutes. He asked why I looked so down.

I said " What do you mean?"

He said " your eyes, they're so sad :/. Why? What happened? "

So I told him, briefly, what happened between me and Rai.

He gave me the only hug i've recieved since Ryan hugged me tuesday night (Which was teh best hug ever ;-; ). He rubbed my back and told me things are bound to get better, and that I'm a wonderful, beautiful person, and things might eventually work out between me and Ryan.

That maybe London has changed him, or that he'll realize that, yeah, I have my flaws, but, hey. SO does he.

He said that maybe me and Rai could start hanging out, just as friends, and maybe He'll start to have feelings for me again, or, Maybe he won't, but I should still stay friends with him.

Like I wouldn't anyway. Of course I would.

Then he told me, quickly, about how he's moving to some island near the bermuda triangle, to go to college or..somthing like that for makeing movies, or.. a company he's going to go work for or somthing.

We went our seperate ways.

Saw him after 3rd, too. He patted me on the head, before I ran off to class.

he's like my long-distance big brother :B He and his girlfriend have been together a long time too, but he was careful not to mention how long,o r anything good about their relationship, It was kind of funny to want him tip toe around subjects, and choose his words carefully as not to upset me.

My English Teacher, Mrs. Baker ( I loooooove her. She's awesome), She made little laminated cards for the class, sort of as Encouragement and a gift, so, we're suppose to pick them at random.

Except me. She whispered " that one's for you" and pointed at a card in the corner of the box.

I took it, smiled, and Read it.

It says "Don't be afraid to be Amazeing."

She's said before that I could be an amazeing, awesome person, I jsut have to stop holding myself back. That I am ungodly inteligent, I'm jsut too afraid to do anything with it. I'm too.. Timid, Mentally, She says.

It actually ment a lot to me, that card she made me :3. I keep it in my purse.

I've been trying to think of what I want to do when I get out of HS.

I want to go to college in hte U.K.

I've always loved the U.K, and It jsut now smacked me in hte face, HEY. College in the U.K!

One of my (Many) cousins, I think, did that.

I'm just curious of the price :/

Well, I'll just have to save up and possibly find some scholarships.

Wether I go alone, or with someone ( preferable Mr.Ryan :/ ), I will go to school there.

It's a distant goal I can work towards. It's possible, and I will do it.

A smaller, yet also distant goal?

Go to London next year Via the trip Ryan's on.

Tonight I'm hopefully getting home around 5:30pm, do dishes, go out to the mall to exchange clothes, on way home get applications, clean room. Sleep.

I'll do it, too. Damnit.

I've got to stop jsut going with the flow. I keep set a path, and follow it.

I will have a good life.

I'll make it so.

Hopefully It won't be a lonely one, though ..

But, Everything shall fall inplace, wether we stay friends, or not.

I jsut can't wait to see him again :3.

I need to find otu what day he's comeing back.

Yay. Lunch next period, I duno if I'll eat.

I really hope I can get that lizard this weekend. He's gona be my buuuuudy.


Last night on halo2, while playing with grim, I was zombie ( we hadn't lpayed zombie in sooo long!) and I ran up behind him going " JACKEL!Jackle!? IS IT A JACKEL!?Jackel!Jackel!?" over and over, chaseing him XD Becuase he kept donig a Quarmire (Sp?) impression(s) ( you know, from Family guy o_o ..)

It was so damn funny :3. I just kept donig that for like, three games. Everyone was laughing so hard.

Keee <3

I love my art, suddenly.

I'm going to make today a good day :3.

WHen I get things done, I feel proud of me.

And If no one else will be proud of me?
Then I will.

current mood: hopeful

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5:34 am - Kitty Tears.
Lost within a wonderful,wonderful dream, Ryan puts his hand upon my cheek, after asking me to go back out with him, and he opens his mouth again, I could almost feel the warmth of his skink on mine, and .. " RING RING RING RING" .. Phone noise?

I snap back to reality, my cold room, and my phone ringing noisily in my ear :/.

I glanced to my alarm clock, at first thinking that was the sorce of the noise.

5 am? My alarm was set for 6. I glanced to teh phone, it's face lit up in neon green. Damnit.

But I lost my " who the fuck" attitude in a split second when I realized it could be an emergency! Or better yet, Possibly Ryan?

Well hopes came through for once. I answered the phone in a semi-groggy voice, and I hear a familiar, oddly warm, chuckle, and a hello.

And my heart lept five feet out of my mouth.

It was Ryan.

I don't think i've been this happy in a month :).

But it killed me to hear girls in the backround ( he had opened the door to let them into his and Keith's Room.) But .. He's not my wolfie anymore :/. So I swallowed my sadness, and we talked on.

It made me so happy to hear from him, for him to call me kitty, to talk about the " Beautiful pictures" he has of me on his laptop.

Why he kept them is still a mystery to me, and apparently he wants to take more of me..!.. And some rather .. NC-17 rated ones as well.

Which of course i'll allow. As long as they're for Wolfie-eyes-only.

Anyway, we talked for about a half hour, inbetween my sleep induceing yawns and my somewhat numb hand, and the constant people trying to talk to him.

It was still good.

He asked me if I had found a replacement wolfie yet.

What the fuck? Why would I.

I don't even , first off, want to risk the chance of never getting to be with him again, nor do I want to trust anyone else like I trusted (and still somewhat trust) him.

I think He's kind of mad that I've been getting into so much trouble at school. :/ .. But it's better then me sleeping around ( WHICH IS EFFING NASTY SDFHJDSLFHDS )

Plus I doubt anyone could fill me the way he did :/. Just perfect, maybe a bit too tight, but awesome. :/

I asked him if he found any girls there he liked. He said no. But He might just be saying that so I won't get upset :/.

I don't know ._.

Was only suppose to have detention today, but Now i've got extended because I punched a douche-bag in the face at school.

my hand still fucking hurts.

-- Getting off topic.

It felt so nice to just hear his voice, happy yet calm ( yet mellow and semi-apathetic when he talked to other people ..!) , like everything was back the way it used to be. he called me kitty a few times ( and i got so excited I almosted piddled on myself) .. and.. it just felt ... Nice.

I can't help but be hopeful :|

Because when I start getting pessimistic, I get depressed, when I get really depressed about this stuff, I get suicidle.

And I don't want to go to hell.

But sometimes the thought is just so welcoming, inviting, .. comforting ._.

End all my pain right there! No more thinking about Ryan, no more thinking about all those wonderful memories, or great times, or make-up sex, or when he told me loved me, or when i'd ask him if he did, and he's pull me close and miss the side of my face and say " .. Of course. Silly kitten .. "

*sigh* But knowing my luck, in hell my torture would be watching my own memories of him, or watching him with someone else ><

Effing hell. you suck.

ANYWAY. off tpoic again, bad kitty! >/

.. Anyway. It was a nice conversation :3.

made me miss him real bad ._. but he said he'd call again some other time, since, obviously, i'm not going to be anywhere but home.

OH YEAH. I drew this awesome looking picture of an alien, AND my fursona. No, it's not any stupid Fan-base " DUR HUR lookEET my pet!" .. Fag. No. It's title is " Protect the Queen"

SO ovbviously, it's symbolic AND cool. *shock shock*

I think it's effing AWESSOME looking.

I want to transfer it to canvas. Once I finish the sketch. because i really like the way it came out.

But since she's all nakie, with mainly her back to the viewer, this will also serve not only as my first anthro painting, BUT as to show the markings on her back and tail, for my fursona's new look. Since thats the only place she has markings o_o.

I really like how it's comeing along, I'll finish it today during class/extended detention, and I'll scan it when I get home. \

I'm so proud of how the alien(XenoMorph) looks!

I've lost my Alien Plushie Ryan bought me D: I am in schock and sad. because It was my comfort object..!

And because it's the only plushie i've ever recieved from Ryan.

And, It's fuckin AWESOME :O. I love 'eem aliens! :heart:

Anyway. .. My belly hurts. Ke ke.

I want o draw a comical picture today.

Oh! And each day I set goals for myself, logn term and short. it's been helping me stay alive (Emotionaly)

I feel really good about myself when I accomplish my goals.

Oh yeah! And my long term goal as of right now? Get a job nad saveing up lotsa' money so I can go on that trip to London ( the one Ryan's on) next year with Him and keith!

It'll be effing awesome because I LOVE the U.K, and i've always wanted to visit there.

PLUS. I want to do the "Jump Start" program next year, where I can take college courses ( think 2 or so an semester) WHILE still in highschool ( have to be a junior.) ( i'm 17, i'll be 18 in october >.> .. ) AND It makes the costs cheaper, AND you get college credits. Which is awesome. PLUS they won't be able to deny me to go on the trip if i'm attending college. Ahaha. I win.

it'll be so damn awesome.

So. I need to find a job, ASAP. Preferably one near me. I need to get applications next time I'm out. Maybe dad'll take me out tonight, I need to go to the mall to exchange somthing I bought at hot topic for a bigger size ( if they have the shirt, since i bought it off line), or for somthing else.

Apparently my dad has got two girls after him o_o Woo Pimp :O.

lol. At least he's happier now. I like that.

I'm finally eating almost normaly.

I want to get a liiiizard. I have to get my dad to give me the okay first, though.

I want a bearded dragon! Or a snakie.

It'll be awesome.

I need to clean my room today, too. It's such a mess.

I can't wait to hear from Ryan again.

I need to set up this damn web cam so I can take more pictures. Pictures are fun :3.

I need to do a lot of stuff today, and I intend of getting it done! No video games for me today. And at the end of the day, I'll be happy :3.

Plus, i got a call from Ryan! Why wouldn't I be happy!? :D

I am a bit lonely, now, though ._. Well.. Lonelier then usual.

I can't wait till he gets back, I hope I can see him the day he gets back! maybe I'll go over to his house and sort of suprise him for when he gets home, and I'll be like .. " Look! Pie! And it's for you :D -bum wiggle-" and then he'll HAVE to hug me and be all " PIE! omg :D -devores.-"

And it'll be fun. <3

And then we'll play halo and kill each other, the true sign of affection XD

.. Even if it's affection through friends. :/.

Bleeeh, I gotta stop being so hopeful.

I've been living each day as it comes, lately. Not realyl planning, but I'm kicking myself in the ass and getting myself in gear. I need to do lots of art. it's been makeing me feel better.

I need to get a job, I can't spend every day sitting here on xbox live. I need to go out and search for a job.

And I need to stop getting into trouble at school >> .. Ryan said, and I Qoutw " I don't want to come home to a deliquent kitten" .. Kee, but thats what happens when you throw her outside, collar-less D:.

She'll just sit at your door, myuing and scratching it at night, and during the day? She runs around practicaly LOOKING for trouble. Grawr! Bad kitty. </3 Can't wait till he's back. BUT. At least he's having fun. Wow, this is a long-ass post. And it's pretty much all about Ryan. he should feel special :O. <3 ...

current mood: contemplative

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Monday, January 10th, 2005
6:20 am - Unlovded. Who care. Shut up.
So, i've been thinking a lot about somthing Allisa said on friday, when we got a ride home from her friend, Dan. ( We cut 7th and 8th again .. )

She said " Y'know steph, ever since Ryan left you, You've been cutting a lot more, adn you've been giving teachers a bad attitude, actually, everyone a bad attitude .. "

ANd I just sat in silent reflection, wondering if she was right.

Fucking hell. She was.

And I just now realized it. And I don't know why i've had such a bad attitude, or i've been cutting.

I t just happens.

I never used to cut when I was with Ryan. Or push certain teachers to their boilnig point, just to see how pissed I could get them.

THose are awful things to do.

But I do them anyway.

Why would Ryan leaving me spark this behavoir?

I'm going to try and not cut anymore, and try and figure out the connection between this :/

Any outside insight would be appriciated.

I'm no going to let myself become a bad person.

WebCam came in the mail saturday.

I've got extended detention today, and tyomorrow.

I'll probably get I.S.S ( In School Suspension) if my 8th period teacher rats on us for cutting again.

But then I can argue that me and Allisa cut together EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME and I get extends, and she gets a detention, or a warning.


So. Yeah.

Whatever :/. At least I'm not doing drugs. Or drinking.

Then i'd have to worry about myself.

I feel like even more of a bad person, now.

Whats it matter.

havn't heard from Ryan in a while.

current mood: blank

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Sunday, January 9th, 2005
8:11 am - Emotionaly Starved kitten-kaaatt.
Did you know ..

Drawing sketchs on a daily basis pumps your brain power?

Neat, huh.

fucking hate being depressed.

Mom might get me a liiiizard, or a snaaakkke, or maybe fishies.

We'll see.

Still no word from Ryan. He wrote me one day. But that was it.

His family misses him a lot, i've been in regular contact with them.

They're such nice people to me.

I'm so damn hungry. Mom is still asleep.

I havn't touched my art at all this weekend, I'm such a louse.

WHen I get home, I want to make my room swank-as-shit.

It'll be awesome.

.. When I clean it.

Been in e-mail contact with Aaron. He's been keeping my chin up.

Maybe Ryan will change his mind when he gets back from England? :/ ..

Been playing a lot of GaiaOnline.

Kinda stupid and childish, but it keeps my attention, and keeps me pre-occupied.


current mood: cold

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Saturday, January 8th, 2005
8:49 am - Picture time, everyone!
BEHOLD! -Insert Dramatic Music here-

It is I, The kitteh'.

Look at me and all my hideous glory :x.


Only two pictures for now.

Oh yeah, sooo Hawt. Biotch.Collapse )

current mood: anxious

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